Late one night this week . . .
--Shadow! What are you doing on Mom’s computer?
--I iz riting book! Mom ritz bookz. I rite book to.
--Ridiculous. If anyone should be writing a book, it should be me, Blanca, Queen of the Universe. Everyone would want to read that. What is your book about?
--The Grate Cozmik Kittee Game. All kitteez shud know rulez. Then they wont cheet like u.
--I do not cheat. You simply fail to play the Great Cosmic Kitty Game as well as I do. You aren’t sneaky enough.
--I plenty sneaky.
--Then why is my Cosmic score 1,587,962, and yours is only 337?
|Blanca, thinking of ways to add to her Mega Kitty Point score.|
--U mean, that why.
--Fine. Show me what you’ve written. Oh, never mind, this intro is too long. Hasn’t Mom told you about info-dumping? All you really need to do is give the reader examples of how to score Kitty Points in the game.
--I do that. Reed dis part!
--“Gole of the game iz to surpriz ur human. Humanz shud NEVER be bord wit ther kitteez! Pointz r won for trix like theez:
--Oh, for heaven’s sake! I can’t read your incompetent mewlings! Haven’t you ever heard of SpelChek? Here, let me rewrite this! Now:
--Weave in and out of your human’s feet while they are walking. Bonus points if they trip while carrying something.
--One point for every minute you can stay on the kitchen counter before your human yells.
--Play hall hockey with toys late at night. Bonus points for multiple players.
--(Here’s one of my favorites): Appear ravenous for a certain expensive food until your human buys a whole case of it on sale. Then never eat it again.
--I never do that one.
--I know. See my score. See your score.
--U mean. Keep reeding.
--Hide from your human. Do not come out no matter what he or she does! Bonus points if you make your human late for something important.
--Leave hairball where your human will step on it barefoot in the dark. (Oooh! Good one!)
--Sneak up on your human and lie directly behind his feet. Squall like you are mortally injured when he steps on you. (I concede: you are very good at this one.)
--Do anything that will cause your human to say, “Aww, that’s so CUTE!” Bonus points for posting on social media.
--U get many pointz for this one, Blanca.
--Yes. Thank you. So, is this all you have?
--I cant tink of anyting else.
--This is why you need me. There should be a special section just for our mom.
--Because our mom is a writer, that’s why. There are lots of ways to earn extra points from writers! Here:
--Drape yourself over the desk, the computer monitor or the keyboard. Bonus points if the keyboard is on and deletes something or repeats the number seven for fifteen pages.
--Insist on attention while your human is “working”—playtime, petting, treats—until your human interrupts work to give you what you want. You get a double reward for this activity!
--Pick a fight with your kitty sibling or the family dog so your human must interrupt work to break it up. Bonus points if you win the fight!
--Bonus points for any of these activities if your human says, “Okay, that’s it! No more work for today!”
--Oooh, thoz r gud! Book iz reddy now! We go online and get famooz.
--But wait! If we publish this online, humans will read it. They aren’t supposed to know about the Great Cosmic Kitty Game!
--No! It’s a secret—only kitties are allowed to know. Humans just think we do the things we do to make their lives interesting. They have no idea we get rewarded for it.
--O. Ok. I push button for DELETE.
--Shadow, NO! Not that one! That’s PUBLISH!
So, humans, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
*The concepts of the Great Cosmic Kitty Game and Kitty Points were shared with me not by my cats, Blanca and Shadow, but by holistic veterinarian Lisa Pantzer, who practices here in Marshall NC. She will not reveal her sources.